Severus Snape: My Life
by Phoenixica24
Summary: A story about Professor Snape's life told from his point of view. Rated T for some horrible experiences. Just being cautious! My first fanfic. Please R&R! Disclaimer: Sadly, I am not J.K. Rowling.
1. Chapter 1: Lonely

Chapter 1: Lonely:

Rain glistened on the rooftops. A muddy river slowly flowed under a bridge that looked as though it had been built at the beginning of time. Children ran shrieking through the puddles, spraying filthy water everywhere. One child sat apart from the others, under the bridge. He stared longingly out across the river, towards the cleaner, wealthier side of town and the distant mountains where he knew his destiny lay.

He had greasy black hair, pale, almost yellow, unhealthy skin left from many illnesses, and dark, thoughtfully emotional eyes. He was slender, small and skinny for his age. He spent most of his time here, away from his parents. They were always fighting. He was sick of it. He hated this life. He wanted to move on, to become _somebody_.

His father, Tobias Snape, was a normal human man. A Muggle who hated just about everything. His mother, Eileen Prince Snape, was a witch. She didn't tell Tobias that until after their only son, Severus Tobias Snape, started showing signs of unusual abilities. After that, he didn't believe a word anyone said to him unless they had irrefutable proof, and hated magic, his wife, his only son, and, eventually, everything else in the world except himself. He yelled at Eileen a lot, and whenever Severus tried to stick up for his mother he got beaten. Mostly he sat in a corner, or outside someplace, sometimes he cried, just so the frustration and pain could go somewhere.

Soon Severus could leave, go to Hogwarts. Both he and his mother hoped he could have a fresh start, make friends, have fun for once. Very soon now, he would leave. Only a few more years of this torturous life and he could be free.

He blinked, startled. Something-or _someone_- was moving across the river. He glanced quickly around, checking to make sure no one was looking, then snuck quickly around under the bridge, away from the other children. He surreptitiously glanced around again, then casually strolled around until he could scramble up onto the bridge. He darted swiftly across, then ducked into some bushes, cringing as the thorns scraped him, tearing his over sized hand-me-down clothes. Blood trickled across his arm, and he wiped it away impatiently.

He crawled along the row of bushes along the polluted river. He stood next to an alleyway and darted into it. He scrounged for food for a bit, his father not liking to buy food for "the boy". Severus was growing, too, which did not help his situation. He wandered along, and soon came to a park, where the better off children were playing. Two girls in particular caught his eye. They seemed to be sisters. One was older, with darker hair and a haughty demeanor.

The other, with red hair and green eyes, was bright, full of life, and playful. She spotted Severus first, from where she played on the swings with her sister, to where he sat hidden in the bushes under the trees.

She nudged her sister and pointed. Severus ducked and ran, back to the river, up to the bridge, across, and down the bank, where he stopped dead, the happy cries of the children across the river ringing in his ears. No one on this side was laughing, or even smiling. The children ran, terrified. Severus wished he could do the same.

Standing in front of him was his father, Tobias Snape. The village on this side of the river was terrified of him, of his extreme anger. To the wealthies, he was basically a rambling poor man, probably a drunk. Partially true, as he did drink quite a bit.

"Where have you been, boy?" Tobias roared. "Your lying brat of a mother came in _my_ house screaming about you vanishing and running away, blaming _me_! I never hurt you, _do I boy_?"

There was a threat in there, Severus knew it. He had to be very careful with his father. Tobias's breath stank of alcohol, and Severus wondered how bad off his mother was. Fear seized his heart. He must find her quickly! But first he had to take care of Tobias.

_Get rid of him for good!_ Severus thought. He thought that a lot, but there was always one major problem. Tobias was his _father_! No matter what, this man was half the reason Severus existed, half the reason he could breathe and see and feel and go to Hogwarts. "I...was..." he stammered.

"_Across the river, perchance?_" Tobias sneered heavily. Drunk he may be, but not enough to make him blind enough to miss Severus running across the bridge right under his nose! At least, not yet. Give him time, and he would be.

Someone down the street called Tobias. Severus fled, sprinting to his house and climbing in his upstairs window. He raced through the house, calling softly for his mother.

He paused in the living room, hesitant. He quickly glanced around the corner, checking for Tobias. He wasn't there. Eileen was. She lay limply across the couch, bleeding.

"Severus..." She glanced up. "Where were you? I was so worried! Did Tobias catch you?"

"Wait here."he told her. "I mean it, don't move!"

"I'm not going anywhere, but you best be gone before Tobias-" she replied weakly.

A shadow moved across the window. _Tobias!_ Tobias walked in and went straight upstairs. Severus breathed a huge sigh of relief and went to the kitchen. He gathered up what little medicinal supplies they had and brought them to his mother. He bandaged her up quickly, then gently kissed her cheek and left, heading back to the bridge. He bounded across it and ran swiftly to the park. The red-haired girl was still there, even as it was getting late.

"Lily, come on! We have to go home now, or Mummy will be angry!" her older sister called.

"Wait, 'Tuney! One more moment, _please_!" Lily begged.

"All right!...It's been a moment, now come! Or I'll tell Mummy you ran away!" the older girl set off down the street.

"You wouldn't!" Lily cried.

"Watch me!" her sister replied.

"Wait! WAIT! _Petunia, wait for me_!" Lily screamed, running down the street after Petunia. Severus sprinted after her. She disappeared around a corner and he swung around it, then stopped. She and her sister had vanished.

Disheartened, he turned and headed back to the river. He didn't see the red-haired nine-year-old girl peering out the window he'd stopped right in front of.

Tobias was waiting, a great big shadow in the window. Severus knew he would get beaten, so he wandered around the block and returned to his spot under the bridge. He stared out across the water, lost in thought.

He sighed, thinking, _She'll never even know I exist. She's clearly a Muggle, and not bad off. Unlike me. She's not lost, a dorky loser. She's beautiful and playful, the kind of girl everyone likes._

The moon rose high, spilling bright silvery light all across town. The river only gleamed on the surface. The rest was dark, muddy, and reflected the night sky, minus the scattered stars. Severus glanced up, the moonlight reflecting in his dark eyes, making them light up so that, for a moment, he actually looked happy.


	2. Chapter 2: Lost

Chapter 2: Lost:

Severus opened his eyes to see a gray morning sky. He had a very bad feeling something bad was about to happen. He looked around, but nothing seemed out of place. Then he glanced back again. He narrowed his eyes. A shadow flickered on the dirty brick wall opposite him.

Tobias stepped out of the gloom. "Had a good night's sleep?" he sneered.

Severus's heart pounded. He knew Tobias would be able to see his emotions easily. He always did. Then he straightened. He was sick of this! Sick of being lower-class, sick of being alone! Sick of not knowing where he fit in in the world! Was he a wizard, or not?

Severus lifted his head and glared at Tobias. Tobias looked startled. "Yes, actually! Much better than at home!" he said boldly.

"What home? This is your home!" Tobias snarled.

_Ooops. _Now he'd _really_ messed up! Severus could only pray Tobias would knock himself out tonight and forget! Winter was coming, and it was getting cold. Despite the freezing cold, Severus loved winter. For one, his birthday was in January, and he loved to ice-skate across the river. He loved watching snowflakes whirl across the sky. He even enjoyed the cold. It helped numb his constant pain.

Severus perched on his roof, the freezing wind rushing through his hair, whistling among the houses. He twisted over the gutter and looked down the street. Tobias was outside the bar. Severus waited until his father went inside and scrambled in his bedroom window. It was February now, he was 10 years old. One more year until he escaped! But he wouldn't allow himself to get excited. He still had to survive for a year, and living with Tobias, that was no small accomplishment. He had to be on his guard all the time. He'd gotten some ice skates off a rich kid who threw them out, they were almost brand-new! He couldn't wait to try them out!

Tobias glanced around, then slipped inside the bar. It was entirely possible that he wouldn't come out for days. Now was his chance! Severus grabbed the skates and slipped out onto the roof again, tossing the skates up first and praying they wouldn't be damaged. He ran lithely across the rooftops and jumped carefully down onto the alleyway next to the frozen river.

Severus ran along until he came to a place where the river split. One side was cleaner than the other. He ran across an old rotting trunk, the last remains of a fallen tree.

He sat and examined the skates before slipping them on and stepping out onto the ice. He skated hard, warming up. Then he leaped across the tiny little stretch of ice, whirling, perfectly balanced, going almost to fast to be entirely visible.

Severus didn't realize how long he'd been there until he heard applause. He slowed and turned. There was that red-headed girl, alone, smiling at him and clapping. He glanced up at the sky. It was really late, he should be home by now!

"Wow! You're really good! Who taught you to skate like that?" the little girl called.

"I taught myself." he replied.

"No way! Oh yeah, my name's Lily, what's yours? Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I really should go, though. I should've been home a few hours ago!"

"Oh...it's really easy to get lost in the sparkles, isn't it? Will you be back? Can you teach me? Please?" she begged.

He cut her off, "Maybe. I don't know. I'll try, anyway. I really have to leave now, so I'll see you around, maybe?"

"Sure!" she replied happily. She pulled on her own skates as he skated down the river.

Severus lay on his back, staring up at the sky. Daydreaming, drifting in and out of fantasies in his head. Months later, he could still remember that day on the sparkling ice perfectly. Exquisitely. It was perfectly exquisite. He rolled over and sat up. The summer sun shone brightly down on him, warming him. It was June now, and he hadn't seen her since that winter.

Severus ran back to the park where he'd first seen her. She was there. He lay back and watched her, her smooth, graceful movements, the sunlight shimmering on her hair. Her glowing emerald-green eyes. He came back day after day, just to see her.

He walked in the house one day, to find his mother looking at him oddly. "What?" he asked.

"You should talk to her, or haven't you yet?" she replied with a question.

"Who?"

"The look on your face the past month says you are in love with a girl. Have you talked to her yet?"

"Not really." he admitted, blushing.

"Ahh, some healthy color! Fine, I won't pry." but she watched him with pride in her eyes. Her little boy, grown up enough to fall in love! Despite Tobias...

Severus followed his mother's indirect advice. Instead of simply watching, he practically stalked her. He planned. A day when it was just them. Maybe her sister. Then he would introduce himself, they would introduce themselves, and they would play. They would come back and meet up every day to play. Tobias couldn't stop him!


	3. Chapter 3: Found

Severus Snape:

Book 1: Early Life

Chapter 3: Found

Severus crouched in the bushes, waiting patiently. It was time to put his plan into action. The girl and her sister were swinging. As Severus watched, Lily swung higher and higher. She looked determined, like she was about to...

"Lily, don't do it!" Petunia shrieked. Too late.

Petunia let go of the swing, throwing herself skyward. Laughing, flying, soaring gracefully, landing beautifully.

"Mummy told you not to!" Petunia got off, extremely upset. Jealous that she couldn't do half the things her younger sister could, Severus figured. She looked it!

"Mummy said you weren't allowed, Lily!" Petunia was upset, no doubt. Her face was stormy.

"But I'm fine," Lily giggled. "'Tuney, look at this. Watch what I can do."

Petunia glanced around. Lily held out a flower as her sister drew closer, torn. The flower sat, opening and closing its petals like some bizarre carnivorous alien plant. Or...magic?

Petunia couldn't see the charm. "Stop it!" she shrieked.

"It's not hurting you." Lily replied sourly, upset that her fun was ruined and her sister didn't appreciate her efforts. She threw the flower down.

"It's not right." Petunia said defensively. "How do you do it?" she added jealously.

_Now!_ Severus jumped out from his shelter, then froze. _What the hell am I doing?_ "It's obvious, isn't it?" he heard himself saying, as if from very far away.

Petunia screamed and ran, but Lily stayed, staring at him curiously. Severus regretted ever showing himself. He could feel heat rushing to his face as his heart beat way too fast. Too late now...he couldn't turn back. But he was so unprepared! Too late...as always...he had to say something!_ Oops! Did she say something?_

"What's obvious?" Lily asked.

He glanced at Petunia, wondering how she would react to her little sister being special, better than her. Not well, he guessed. He lowered his voice.

"I know what you are." He couldn't believe he was actually saying this to her face!

"What do you mean?" Lily asked curiously.

"You're...you're a witch." whispered Severus.

She looked insulted.

"_That's _not a very nice thing to say to somebody!"

She turned and returned to Petunia.

"No!" Severus cried. He could feel embarrassed heat rushing to his face. He knew he must look strange and untrustworthy in Tobias's coat and Eileen's smock, which, hopefully, no one could see. He ran after Lily.

The two stared disapprovingly at him, holding one of the swing poles as though united on a team in a game of tag, captured on the safe place.

"You _are_," said Severus. "You_ are_ a witch. I've been watching you for a while." Should he have said that? "But there's nothing wrong with that. My mum's one and I'm a wizard."

Petunia laughed, coldly, as if to harshly jerk him harshly back to reality through insult.

"Wizard!" she shrieked. She was more courageous now that she had recovered from his unexpected appearance. It probably helped that in her mind, he'd just confirmed he was poor and crazy.

"_I_ know who you are!" she continued. "You're that Snape boy! They live down Spinner's End by the river," she told Lily. _Why _did she have to bring that up?_Why_? That wasn't going to impress anybody who knew the first thing about where he lived.

"Why have you been spying on us?" Petunia asked.

"Haven't been spying," Severus protested. He was hot and uncomfortable and well aware his hair was visibly filthy in the bright sunlight. Now all he wanted was to leave. "Wouldn't spy on _you_, anyway," he spat, furious that she'd ruined his chance. "_You're_ a Muggle."

He knew she didn't know what that meant, but she clearly understood it as an insult, declaring her inferior to a poor boy! She obviously didn't like that one bit.

"Lily, come on, we're leaving!" she said shrilly. Lily followed her sister obediently to the park gates, glaring furiously at Severus the whole time, upset that she'd lost her park time because of him, crazy lunatic! Severus stood and watched until they were out of sight before he ran down to the river and walked to his skating pond. Only there did he let the tears spill over and fall silently to the ground.

No one heard his sobs because they'd all closed their ears to his voice. It had all gone so wrong! Why? What had he said? Was 'witch' an insult to Muggles? Oh, god, _what if he'd insulted her?_What if he'd already lost her? He couldn't face her again. He already looked like a fool. He'd already lost.

Severus staggered back into the village, looking around blankly._ Did the river flow in circles?_ How had he gotten back here? Who...no. No. Not her! Why was she here?

"Hey! Where...are you okay?" Lily called, running over. Then, "Oh! You were at the park, weeks ago! Why haven't you come back? I waited for you..."

The world spiraled around him, and as he heard her concerned voice, he relaxed. He was safe. He relaxed, letting go of the edge in his head, as everything went black.

He woke to bright sunlight. On the pillow next to his head was a note. Severus sat up, and his head spun, pounding. Sparkles danced across his vision. He waited till everything settled, and reached for the note.

Hey,

I don't know where you went, but I wanted to talk to you. And then you passed out when you got back, so we couldn't talk then. I'll be at the park all day every day. Please come when you feel up to it. I have a lot of questions, and I'm really confused. Only, don't tell Petunia. Don't tell anyone, please! See you at the park,

-Lily-

Her handwriting was beautiful. He glanced out the window. Early morning. By the time he got to the park, she would be there. He dressed and scrambled out the window, running the whole way.

Lily was swinging when he arrived. He ducked into the trees, and she abandoned her swing and followed. She ducked after him into a small clearing, to find him sitting on a log, dark eyes expectant.

"You said you had questions?" he said calmly.

She sat next to him. "Yes. Are you serious? Does magic really exist? Are we really...different? Are there others? How come no one knows?"

"Yes, I'm serious, yes, magic really does exist, yes, you are a witch and I am a wizard, yes, there are others, and we use magic to hide." he recited.

"Is Petunia a witch?"

"No. You are a Muggle-born. The only in your family. Oh, Muggles are people without magic, normal people like your sister and parents."

"And you?"

"My mom's a witch, my dad's a Muggle. I'm a half-blood."

"Lily?" A voice called from the park.

"Petunia! I'd better go. Should I tell her it's real?"

"No! We hide, so Muggles can't know!"

"Okay, then...Can I meet you here tomorrow?"

"I'll be here." He shook his greasy hair out of his face.

She'd found him.


	4. Chapter 4: Friends?

Severus Snape:

Book One: Early Life:

Chapter Four: Friends?

Severus waited patiently. He tilted his head back and breathed deeply. He'd been meeting Lily for a week now, and she seemed utterly fascinated with the wizarding world.

She slipped silently out of the trees, pausing in the sunlight, her hair practically glowing.

"Hey." she chirped brightly.

"Hi." he replied dazedly. She was dazzling him. She always did.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Do you remember where you went after...that first day at the park? When you told me...?"

"Yes..." he replied slowly, sitting up.

"Where...What did you do?"

"I just walked along the river."

"For that whole time?"

"Yes."

"You must be strong." she breathed, staring at him in awe. "I could never walk that long! Did you go all the way to the ocean?"

"No...I..."

"Went in a circle?" she guessed.

"Well...yes." he admitted, turning crimson.

"Oh. You were pretty exhausted, that's why."

"Yeah, probably."

"When are we going to get our letters?"

"Soon, I think. I hope."

"What happens if they don't come?"

"They will, don't worry."

"What if yours comes and mine doesn't?...I don't want you to leave without me...I'll miss you. You're my one friend I can really talk to." she confessed quietly.

"You'll get your letter! And you have loads of friends." he said, confused.

"None like you. They're all rich, stuck-up kids who only care about themselves! You're different...nicer." she admitted, blushing. "They've always gotten whatever they want and never really thought about it. You look like you fight for what you get...like you're strong."

"I do...my dad hates everything nowadays, cause of my mom not telling him she was a witch till after I was born. Things would be different if Eileen was a Muggle."

"Why do you call your mom that? Does she hate you too?"

"No, she just...can't protect me. Tobias, my..._dad_," he spat the word like a filthy cuss word, "beats up on her a lot. Your mom looks after you and your sister, right?"

"Yes..."

"For me, it's the other way around. I look after my mom."

"Oh."

"I've got no one to go to, no one I can trust..."

"You've got me!" she cried indignantly. "Or don't I count?"

"You do. And I'm so much happier now that I have you." he said, smiling.

"Is that why you don't smile much?"

"Yes...yes, I suppose it is..."

"I like it better when you smile." she stated decisively.

"Then I guess I'll try to smile more often."

"No! It only counts when you do it without thinking, without trying, because it means you're happy." she explained.

"Then it shouldn't be hard." he teased, his smile growing.

"See?"she laughed happily.

"It's just because of you, you know that, right?"

"Yes...but when you're happy, really happy, some of the time, it leaks over into all the other times, until you're happy all the time!"

"We'll see." he commented neutrally.

"It _does_!"

"I never said I didn't believe you!"

"Oh..." she _blushed_, for some reason.

Later, as Severus walked along the river, he wondered. Did he really want to go to Hogwarts anymore? He was actually happy. He was gone all the time, Tobias for sure never saw him, Eileen rarely saw him, he rarely saw her, and he for sure never saw Tobias! He spent all his time with Lily at the park. He might curl up under some bushes in the park to sleep, as it was warm out, even at night now, in April. He should probably tell Lily that he knew their letters should come in July, but did he want to bring up Hogwarts again? Maybe he should just keep quiet...

He wandered along the river, then sat and watched it flow quietly away, always changing, because it had no choice. That is what rivers do, flow, change. Did he have to? Could he? More importantly, did he even want to? For Lily, that answer might actually be 'yes'. He lay back and closed his eyes.

The next time he and Lily met at the park, she was extremely hyper.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"I know just what we should do!"

"What is that? Is this not enough for you?" he felt like she'd hit him.

"No, yes, what? Anyway, we should sneak you to my house and you can shower and get a haircut, cause you're starting to look like a girl with it so long, we'll get you some new clothes, and I can find a new place for you to live! The Hogwarts letters follow you, so if you move, you'll still get it if they knew you'd moved or not, right?"

So much for not bringing up Hogwarts.

"Maybe..." even Severus had to admit it sounded good. "Do you have a place picked out? Won't people ask questions? When...?"

"Not soon, but the first week of June, 'Tuney's having a party. My parents will be focused on that! I'll say I'm staying at a friends house, but I'll be here, then we'll sneak back, I have a key, take my allowance, and go shopping!"

"The place?" he asked dubiously.

"I'll find one; I've got over a month!"

"Okay. Let's do it!" he said, feeling more excitement than ever.

"I've got to go; I'm going to have to work a lot more for a bigger allowance, and find a place. I'll still come and let you know my progress every day! Will your parents notice? They _will_, and your mom will miss you so much! Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'll tell her, and visit her sometimes. It'll be okay." He flashed a shy grin at her, aware that she wouldn't be around as much, but she really wanted to do this, to help him.

"I'd better go, then, and you have to tell your mom! Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good!" she left quickly. "'Bye!"

"'Bye...for now." he said quietly.


	5. Chapter 5: Planning

Severus Snape:

Early Life:

Chapter Five: Planning:

"Severus!" Lily screamed, running full out into their clearing. He was there, he always was.

"Yes?" with that sly, lazy smile of his. Even he had noticed he was smiling a lot more now. He knew it was Lily, and wondered if she did, too.

"I found it! I'm already buying stuff, like soaps and shampoos. I have a lot of money, so we can get you all new stuff, no secondhand. I did so many chores, 'Tuney couldn't do any, cause I'd already done them all! My parents are amazed! You should've seen their faces!" she laughed happily.

"Wow! Where is it?"

"Right down the street from my house! But we can still come to the park. You're going to have to sneak in and out, though, so people don't notice that you live there, and no one else. I'll sneak in and out, too. Just so you'll be safe, okay?"

"That's fine. I'm used to it. Don't worry, it'll be okay." he reassured her quickly.

"Have you told your mum yet?" Lily asked sternly. "You really need to, you know!" when he didn't respond.

"How can I when Tobias is always around?" he snapped. She looked hurt, and he instantly felt bad. "I'm sorry..."

"Just find a time."

"Really! I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just he's..."

"Oh. You could've said that before! Is Eileen okay?"

"She's been worse. But I can't get a chance to talk to her!"

"Just keep trying...it'll work out in the end. It _will_!" as if trying to convince herself.

As Severus snuck back in his window, he listened carefully. No sound. Tobias wasn't home! He ran downstairs. There was Eileen, lying on the couch.

"Severus?"

"I'm going away." the words rushed out of him, racing to leave, to never have to be said again, relieve the burden of words on his heart.

"It's for the best."

"I'll come back and visit, sometimes, then I'll go to Hogwarts. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I won't be alone. We've got a plan..." he promised. He felt evil, abandoning his mother who had done him no wrong, to Tobias's evil ways.

"The vault?"

"I have a key." he'd taken it a few days ago. Eileen wouldn't need it anymore, and Tobias would just think he'd thrown it out in a drunken rage.

Back in their clearing, Severus told Lily the news. "I told her!"

"That's great, Severus! Actually...I wanted to ask you..."

"What?"

"Aren't there rules?"

"Yes, of course! You can't reveal our presence to a Muggle, though Muggle-borns and their families, only immediate family, are okay. So you're okay. And the Mnistry keeps track of everything. You'll be warned before you go wrong, because you're a Muggle-born. Oh, and the Ministry can punish you if you do magic outside school, you get letters."

"But I _have_ done magic outside school!" Lily cried in obvious distress.

"We're all right. We haven't got wands yet. They let you off when you're a kid and can't help it. But once you're eleven," he nodded. "and they start training you, then you've got to go careful."

Lily considered that, twirling a fallen twig in the air, playing with it as though it were a wand. She dropped the twig and leaned in. "It _is_ real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying to me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It _is_ real, isn't it?"

"It's real for us." how could she have told her sister? Or had Petunia read it, again, in Lily's diary? "Not for her. But we'll get the letter, you and me."

"Really?" Lily whispered, her green eyes shining in the sunlight.

"Definitely." how could there not be, for someone as amazingly beautiful and smart as her? How could there not be more?

"And will it really come by owl?" Lily whispered.

"Normally," he replied. "But you're a Muggle-born, so someone from the school will have to come and explain to your parents."

"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"

Yes, yes it does. You get teased and insulted and bullied. But it won't be any different for me, because I'm poor, even though I'm a half-blood. But you don't deserve to know that. You deserve better.

"No," he heard himself saying. "It doesn't make any difference." The first time he'd lied to her, or even considered lying to her.

"Good," she said, relaxing. Had she really worried? Should he tell her the truth? No. She wouldn't trust him ever again if he admitted he'd lied to her.

"You've got loads of magic," Trying to make it up to her. "I saw that. All the time I was watching you..." But she wasn't listening. She'd stretched out on the ground, looking through the canopy of leaves towards the sky. He watched her, contented.

"How are things at your house?" Lily asked.

He could feel his happiness evaporate.

"Fine," he said carefully.

"They're not arguing anymore?"

"Oh, yes, they're arguing," said Severus. He started tearing a fistful of leaves apart, channeling his anger at his father for beating up on his mother into destroying the leaves. "But it won't be that long and then I'll be gone." he hoped she'd get the joke, laugh, and move on to another subject.

"Doesn't your dad like magic?" Lily asked.

"He doesn't like anything, much," Severus replied dryly. Most of the truth. Tobias hated everything in existence with a fiery passion.

"Severus?"

He couldn't help but smile. The way she said his name was so perfect!

"Yeah?"

"Tell me about the dementors again."

"What d'you want to know about them for?" he asked, startled.

"If I use magic outside school-"

"They wouldn't give you to the dementors for that! Dementors are for people who do really bad stuff. They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban. You're not going to end up in Azkaban, you're too-" he blushed. There was no way in the world he could say that to her face-out loud! Instead, he continued shredding leaves.

Leaves rustled behind them. Petunia, hiding behind a tree, had lost her footing.

"'Tuney!" Lily cried, surprised but friendly.

Severus leapt up from where he sat. "Who's spying now?" he shouted. How much had she heard? "What d'you want?"

Petunia was breathless, alarmed at being caught, thinking fast for something hurtful to say.

"What is that you're wearing anyway? Your mum's blouse?" she pointed at Severus's chest.

_Crack!_ A branch over Petunia's head fell. Lily shrieked in terror for her sister. The branch caught Petunia's shoulder, and she stumbled back, crying.

"'Tuney!" Lily cried, but Petunia was running away. Lily rounded on Severus.

"Did you make that happen?"

"No." Or had he? He hadn't meant to! Please...let her understand...

"You did!" she backed away. _NO!_ "You_ did_! You hurt her!"

"No-no I didn't!" _I didn't mean to! I'm so sorry, come back! I can explain, don't you understand? Don't go!_

She glared furiously at him, scorching him, then ran off after her sister.

Severus felt horrible. _What have I done?_


	6. Chapter 6: Falling Apart

Severus Snape:

Early Life:

Chapter 6: Falling Apart:

"Lily!"... "Lilyyy!" Severus silently cursed himself for being so careless. Everything had been going right for once! And _of course_ he had to go and ruin it! "Lily!" he called again, even though he knew it was useless. She was furious with him. Her sister was furious with her. His father was furious at everyone and everything. Everyone was mad at someone! Why was he in the middle of this?

Disgusted with himself, he turned to leave and go home. Once again, he didn't notice the red-haired girl peeking out the window, this time with a very sad look on her face as she watched her friend go.

Severus carefully pushed open the door. "Hello?" he called softly. He was pretty sure Tobias was out, but he could never be too careful with his father...

There was a sudden series of noises from his parents' room. It sounded like a wrestling match. Then his mother's voice floated to his ears:

"Tobias, please, no, don't, I don't want..." the rest trailed off in a pained shriek.

Severus's heart raced. He couldn't bear to hear his mother in such pain. Yet he was explicitly forbidden in his parents' room. By both his parents, not just his father, and he _would_ respect Eileen's request.

_At the cost of her life, perhaps?_said an annoying little voice in the back of his mind. Tobias would never kill his own wife!_ Or would he? _He already beat his own wife and son...

Severus made his decision as his mother cried out again, an inhuman shriek that struck fear deep into his heart. His mother never cried out when he was around.

He took a deep breath-and leapt into his parents' room. And immediately wished he hadn't. He didn't need to see this. At age ten, his mother had given him "The Talk" already, about how babies come to be, but seeing this...he knew instantly that his mother didn't want this...but to invade on her privacy like this...could he ever look at her again if she knew? His whole being shied away from the thought. He loved his mother. He knew she did her best for him, and didn't blame her for their situation. But would it be better to intrude and have them know, or to leave, and let her be hurt, humiliated, though more so if he intervened, beaten, and...no, he couldn't consider _that_ possibility.

It was too late to turn back. Tobias was done. He struck Eileen, snarling, "That'll teach you to refuse me what is rightfully mine, you-"

Eileen turned her face away in shame-and saw Severus, standing there with his mouth open. Her eyes widened in alarm, and Tobias turned-

Severus turned, too, and tried to run, then was instantly ashamed of himself for even considering abandoning his mother-if she couldn't look after him, then _he_ must look after _her_.

He turned back, hopping out from in front of Tobias' fist. He danced away, leading Tobias down the stairs, hoping he would fall. He didn't. Severus darted in and hit him hard with his cane that he used to beat Severus and Eileen. _That_ got his attention. Severus used that attention and-quite literally-ran with it. He ran down to the river, up along his side to the park, where he could see Lily's red hair amongst their trees. He ran by, and she appeared at the shore-she looked like she'd been crying. Her eyes widened when she saw him fairly flying by on the other bank. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but he shook his head frantically at her, warning her to get away. _Not her, too!_ His father raping his mother was bad enough-he couldn't bear for the same fate to befall Lily. He felt almost as if he had to protect both of them. That was a lot for one ten-year-old boy.

One ten-year-old boy who was in a lot of trouble, as Tobias arrived on the scene. Severus risked a quick glance across the river, just enough to see that Lily had heeded his warning and disappeared. That glance almost cost him his life, as Tobias' hands closed around his neck, cutting off his air. The world blacked out.

And when he came to, he was lying on the riverbank. It was freezing cold out, yet there was warmth...somewhere...he was too dazed to figure it out, so he just lay staring at the sky and trying very hard not to remember. But it was all too clear, the images he would have to face someday, his cowardice, the way he almost abandoned his mother, his weakness, that he had been unable to protect her, not even strong enough to protect himself, just to waste everyone's time. Because that was all he was. A waste of time. A mistake. Because now he realized how he in particular came to be-through rape. Bile rose in his throat, and he twisted and retched, emptying his stomach onto the oily grass next to the equally sick and polluted river. And then he couldn't help it. He cried.

It was almost a relief to let the hot tears, the frustrated emotions, boil over and just...go. Like he was letting all of it go. Not exactly like it had never happened, but close. Just close enough.

Once his sobbing slowed some, he realized the warmth he had been vaguely aware of when he first regained consciousness had shifted, and was quietly crying with him.

Severus turned, blinking tears from his eyes, and saw a blaze of fiery red hair...

"Lily?" He saw the hurt in her eyes-pained that he should be so surprised that she would want to help.

"Oh, Sev, that was...that was _horrible_!" she cried. "How _could _he? That is so _wrong_, _why _doesn't _anyone_ _do _something about this? It's not _fair_!"

"It's my life, Lily." he said coldly. She stared at him with shock clear in her eyes. He struggled to stand, but everything swayed, and he toppled over. She reached out to help. "Get away from me!" he snapped. Now she looked close to tears. "Just because your sister happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time-and was spying on us-doesn't mean you just walk away! And since you did, that doesn't mean I'm going to just accept that!" _Now_ she actually _was_ crying, tears streaming silently down her pale face.

"Sev, I..." it was clear she didn't know what to say.

"Save it for someone who will believe it." he said icily. And he walked away.

_Scratch. Scratch. Scraaatch._

Severus opened his eyes. He was in his room, with moonlight spilling in through the window. And a shadow.

He sat bolt upright, heart pounding, adrenaline rushing through his veins. Then the moonlight caught silver-tinged red hair...Lily!

He had half a mind not to let her know, but she was dangling desperately outside his window, and she looked like she'd spent a lot of time crying. But before he could get to the window, Tobias came in.

Severus jumped, startled. He hadn't heard his father approach the door. It had been some time since he had walked away from Lily, leaving his cold-hearted words ringing on the freezing air. Since then, Tobias had only caused minor trouble. Eileen had made her stand, quietly, and things had appeared to get better.

The shadow outside-Lily-saw Tobias, recognized him, and froze. Then she tried to escape silently, without being noticed. She fell, banging against the house the whole way down. Tobias' head whipped around, and he flew to the window, crushing Severus against the wall as he rushed to try to help his friend, and he felt...no, that couldn't be right. Eileen wasn't here-no women were-unless Tobias had gotten a good look at Lily, which Severus doubted, and anyway, she was only eleven!

He waited in fear of what Tobias would do to him now, but his father merely turned and ran downstairs, outside, searching for Lily. Severus hoped she'd gotten away quickly and safely. Before Tobias came back, Severus was out the window and across the rooftops, fleeing across the river and upstream along the far bank to their grove, where he could spend the night safely.

_Oh, Lily, I hope you're alright...I didn't mean what I said, and you know it! Please be okay..._


	7. Chapter 7: Memories

**Sorry for the wait! I completely forgot about this story! This chapter is dedicated to my amazing new beta, Shona McEvoy, without whom this story would still be forgotten and this chapter never posted. Thanks Shona!**

**This is just a filler-it gets more exciting in the next few chapters!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter!**

Chapter Seven: Memories:

Severus lay curled up under a log, in that tiny little space between the fallen tree and the ground, shivering as he remembered. He didn't want to remember. It was painful. But he couldn't help the flashbacks of his own life that threatened to take his sanity. Some of the memories he wasn't even sure were real. But there were some he was all too sure about.

_It was dark. Eileen was screaming. He knew what was coming, he wanted to cry out, cry "Stop! What did we ever do to you? What did we ever do to deserve this?" __Suddenly, light poured into his cabinet, his hiding place. He'd been found. Tobias leered at him._

_ "I finally found where you've been hiding the little brat!" he called triumphantly, the liquor that was heavy on his breath slurring his words until they were barely comprehensible. He dragged Severus out into the open, where another woman, not Eileen, cowered. She looked pregnant. Eileen was huddled in a corner, bound, furious. She screamed through the gag over her mouth when she saw Severus._

_ "Now both you bitches will learn never to mess with me again!" __he cried. He took Severus to the table, laid him down on it, and tore off his shirt. Severus fought weakly, being too little to really understand, but despite being young, neglected, and malnourished, he knew this was wrong._

_ Tobias cracked something hard against his head, and the world went black._

No...No...stop there, please stop there! It was just too much...not tonight!

_As he came to, he realized Tobias had finished stripping him. He was playing with...Something smashed into his head again, and he blacked out once more..._

Please, please, stop there! He didn't need, or want, to see this, to remember what Tobias had done to him as a child and would probably begin doing again as he got older. He didn't want this, hated it...

_Now, as he awakened, Tobias was finished humiliating him, and had moved on to the other woman. Eileen jumped between them and told the other woman to run. "Run, and never trust someone like him again!" she cried. __The woman ran. Tobias struck Eileen across the face, pushing her up against the wall. __Severus covered his eyes, waiting for his mother's screams to stop...waiting for his father to grow bored and leave, or kill them, or someone to burst in and take him away, anything for this nightmare of a life to be over..._

No...he prayed these weren't real, but he knew they were. And he knew that no one could ever know, not even Lily, what his father had done to them...he just wanted to go to Hogwarts and leave all this behind.

**Reviews help my memory! *hint, hint* :)  
**


	8. Chapter 8: Truth

**A/N: Thanks to my beta Azzie(Inkfire)! :D**

Severus Snape: My Life:

Chapter Eight: Truth:

Early morning light filtered to the ground beside the young boy's head. He shivered-winter was coming, soon it would turn cold. Footsteps sounded nearby, and he cringed, curling back into the log, trying to hide, until he saw a flash of red hair between the branches.

"Lily?" he whispered.

"Sev! Are you all right? You must be frozen! And hungry! Here!" Lily tore off her coat and wrapped it around him, pulling him out from under the log and shoving food into his hands. A bagel and an apple. She pulled out a thermos full of hot cocoa as well, setting it beside him. "Well?" she asked, staring at him with those big green eyes. "Are you?"

Severus barely registered that she'd asked a question. He mumbled a thank you and started eating. Lily waited patiently for him to finish.

"I'm fine." he said once he was done, looking her in the eye. "Are you?"

"Shaken, but fine." she replied, brushing her hair back, out of her face. "Sev?" she asked hesitantly.

"What?" He knew what was coming next, knew and dreaded it, but she didn't know, and asked anyway.

"That's...normal...for you, isn't it?" Those damningly beautiful eyes, begging him to tell her no, he wasn't abused, but then what had she seen last night?

Severus bowed his head, feeling shame burn a hold through where his heart used to be. "Yes."

"Oh, Sev..." she murmured, moving closer. Suddenly, her arms were around him, his head against her shoulder, and she was so warm, so comforting. He felt so safe.

"It's okay to cry, Sev. I'm glad you finally told me the truth." sis angel whispered into his hair. And he cried.


End file.
